


The Milk Man

by Edgelord (lostlikeme)



Series: Two Steps Forward, One Step Back [3]
Category: The Office (US)
Genre: Comedy, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Lactation, Multi, Non-Sexual Intimacy, OT3, Pre-Het, Pre-OT3, Pre-Poly, Pre-Threesome, Romantic Friendship, Screenplay/Script Format, Slow Build, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-26
Updated: 2017-02-26
Packaged: 2018-09-26 23:06:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9928049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lostlikeme/pseuds/Edgelord
Summary: Pam needs help with a clogged milk duct when she and Jim are staying at Schrute farms for the weekend.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [AruWolf](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AruWolf/gifts).



ZOOM IN   
EXT. BEET FIELDS

DWIGHT is seated on a bale of hay, staring directly into the camera.

DWIGHT

On Schrute farms, the milkmaids didn’t just tend to cows. And they weren’t even always women. Milkmen were the lesser known heroes of the pre-industrial revolution.

CUT TO:

INT. FARMHOUSE

PAM, JIM, and DWIGHT drop their luggage in front of the house. MOSE takes their baggage upstairs while PAM stops to grimace and clutch her chest.

PAM

I told you we should have brought CC!

JIM

Pam, we both need a break. I thought you were going to pump before we left?

PAM

I did! CC eats a lot, okay?

DWIGHT

(SERIOUS) When did the pain begin?

JIM

Oh no, this is just because CC isn’t here.

PAM

Yesterday.

JIM

What? Why didn’t you tell me?

PAM

I didn’t think it was a big deal and I didn’t want to ruin our trip.

JIM

So you just keep it a secret?

PAM

Jim, if I told you every time I felt a pain in my boob we’d be in the ER twice a day. I was waiting to see if it’s serious.

JIM

Is it?

DWIGHT

It could be a number of dangerous and fatal diseases of the mammary gland. But no. This isn’t serious.

PAM

What?

DWIGHT

I have to check your breasts to be sure, but I do have expertise in this area.

JIM

Last time I checked you weren’t a doctor.

DWIGHT

But I am a farmer.

PAM

Here, Jim. You check.

JIM

Check for what? I don’t know what to check for!

DWIGHT

Then get out of the way. Let a real man show you how it’s done. This won't hurt a bit.

JIM

We should go to the doctor.

DWIGHT

And ruin your whole trip? Why pay money to wait in the ER for three hours when I can fix it right here, right now, with nothing but my bare hands.

PAM

I really need a vacation.

JIM

Fine.

DWIGHT

Oh yeah, I remember these bad boys. (TO JIM) A man never forgets the weight of a woman’s breast in his palm. (TO PAM) You have a clogged milk duct.

JIM

What can we do?

DWIGHT

Someone has to suck it out. Obviously.

JIM

Obviously.

PAM

What?

DWIGHT

Or a round of antibiotics.

PAM

I just finished one off!

DWIGHT

That much antibiotics can’t be good for the baby.

PAM

That’s what I said!

JIM

See, we do need a doctor. I was right.

DWIGHT

Or someone could suck it out...

JIM

Ew. 

PAM

My boobs are ew?

JIM

No! Of course not--

DWIGHT

Nice one, Jim.

PAM

Then why would you say ew?

DWIGHT

Listen, the doctor is just going to use a breast pump for something any grown man can do with his mouth.

JIM

I thought you said just your hands!

DWIGHT

It’s called a figure of speech.

PAM

(TO DWIGHT) Okay, I want you to do it.

JIM

What?

PAM

Suck it out. I’m not spending another vacation day in the waiting room.

JIM

Pam!

PAM 

Do you have any better ideas?

JIM

Did you not hear me suggest the doctor twice? Because that suggestion is still totally on the table. 

DWIGHT

Okay, I’m gonna count down from three.

PAM

Wait! Are you going on one or go--ow!

DWIGHT

Neither.

PAM

That really hurt!

JIM

Did he not hear me say doctor?

PAM

You said it wouldn’t hurt!

DWIGHT

I lied so you wouldn’t be scared.

PAM

Dwight!

DWIGHT

(LICKING HIS LIPS) What I tell you?

PAM

Gross!

DWIGHT

Hey! I did you a favor.

JIM

A very gross favor.

DWIGHT

I saved your vacation and your marriage. You should be thanking me.

JIM

That is not what just happened here.

ZOOM IN

DWIGHT

(SMILING) You’re welcome.


End file.
